The Great Bug Massacre

15 05 2011

It was a typical Monday evening, a slight drizzle pattering on the roof, car horns echoing in the distance, when Vanessa and I arrived back at the house after a long day of work and working out. Little did we know that we were about to be thrust into…THE GREAT BUG MASSACRE OF 2011!

The Enemy

The battle ground was to be the living room, the enemy was laying in wait looking for the right time to lay siege.  Vanessa unwittingly continued to prepare dinner and I naively shuffled through music.  As the clock struck 7:26, the unassuming doomsday hour, the bugs battle plan began to unfold.

It started simple.  Vanessa casually asked me to come kill a large flying ant that was crawling up the side of the refrigerator.  I had just shifted in to that perfect spot of comfort on the couch and so, with great effort, I begrudgingly sauntered into the kitchen to assess the ant situation.  I was a bit surprised by the size of the ant, it was about the size of a fingernail.  Without much thought I extended my index finger and squished it with the pad of my finger.  This ant, now a martyr, set off a chain of events I will not soon forget.

I started back toward my haven on the couch. But, as I exited the kitchen, Vanessa, almost prophetically said, “You know, I have seen a lot of those guys around lately.”  It was then that she looked down toward her feet and noticed that more of the ants were around.  With slight concern she warbled “Miguel! Look at them…there are more…”  So, I turned back toward my wife and with my bare feet started to kick at the ants  scurrying across the tile.  As my eyes focused and the black dots became more clear contrasted against the spotted off-white tile, I thought: “Wow, there are quite a few of them” and then my eyes followed the the line of them through the kitchen door into the living room.  I began to follow it, Vanessa trailing just behind me.  It was there, as we gazed down at the floor that we realized…holy shit…they are coming for us!  In that moment I know how Lionitas, the Spartan, felt as he and his 300 men heroically gazed at the far larger armies that were attempting to take their home.

Surprisingly, Vanessa was the first to act.  She shouted commands as she steadied herself to attack.  “Miguel! Quick, under the sink there is some Raid.”  With that she turned her head, pulled her hair back, and with fury burning in her eyes, a battle yell emanating from deep with in her soul, she charged forward and started to STOMP!

With great haste I threw open the cabinet door under the sink and found my weapon: a can of “Mata Todo!!- Fumigacion Profunda”.  The green can felt solid in my hand.  I braced my nerves as I quickly rounded the corner and entered the fray.

Trusty weapon

In a second, I assessed the situation.  Vanessa, although the first to act was quickly being over taken.  The bugs seemed to be moving in from the back door and had pushed her to my left toward the front .  This was to be a crucial decision but knowing almost no war strategy I just followed my instinct and circled around the bugs, sealing what I thought was the entrance point with the spray.  I fought from behind, moving toward Vanessa.  Seeing me take action gave Vanessa a burst of strength and soon enough, 100 bugs lay dead or injured at our feet.  The war was over…or so we thought.

As any good humanitarian would do, I grabbed the broom and began to sweep up the corpses of the fallen and returned them to their outside home.  I returned to my sanctuary and Vanessa, though shaken, started the path back toward nourishment.

a pile of the dead after the first battle

Yet, there was still an uneasiness in the air.  The second attack was to be far worse.  They attacked quietly.  The silent army of flying ants caught me in a moment of husbandly weakness.  I had abandoned my lookout post on the couch to assist in the kitchen.  They moved in quick and with greater numbers.  By the time we discovered the covert operation, we were facing an army of what seemed like 100,000.  Already shaken from the first battle, tears began to stream down Vanessa’s cheeks.  She drew her knee upward, leveled her foot, stole a fleating glance at me and began STOMPING into the living room.  She was a machine.  No stomp was wasted, each thundering footfall eliminated 5-6 bugs.

Shoeless at the time, I sprinted upstairs and grabbed sandals.  From below the haunting cries of V pushed me to act faster.  Upon returning I knew we had made a mistake in the first battle; we had not actually taken out their point of entry…but where was it?!  I scanned the movement of bugs, looking for a pattern to their attack and then it hit me.  Their plan was brilliant.  They had set it up days, even months in advance.  They had set up base in the end table next to the couch.  With heavy feet, I fought my way toward it and gingerly opened the drawer.  What emerged was overwhelming. A sea off black bodies and spindly legs scuttled out.  My vision blurred, my feet throbbed, my knees ached and my hand smelled like pesticide…a moan of determination crossed my lips.  I knew what I had to do.  I glanced toward my partner, her face scrunched in determination and I knew, I had to do this for her.  Simultaneously, I continued the ground battle while stomping, I used the green weapon in my right hand to spray cover.  I waited one second and then I grabbed the enemy stronghold with both hands, bugs threatening to overtake my body, and I ran out the back door.  I emptied the rest of the can into their fortress and then returned to help my comrade.

Knowing that we had eliminated the point of production, the war ended quickly.  Vanessa continued her straight forward attack and I flanked from the right.  It was messy, it was a massacre, but we had done it.  We had won! And not a moment too soon, because dinner was ready.


Sandal of death

we won!- enemy stronghold




One response

28 05 2011

Good Morning Mighty Warriors,

Thanks for the play by play. I am again laughing out loud. Have a blast with Mr. and Mrs. Lewis.

Love, Twanda

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